Why Courtship Is Fundamentally Flawed...Not
I've been seeing this article go around on facebook (thus being shared by many of my friends), so I decided to read it, and I felt a response was necessary. This is my response, but it is not a comprehensive overview of everything I believe about courtship (that would be a long conversation). I think this article is giving a response to a specific group of people from whom the author feels he has been hurt. It is not giving any answers to help change the broken marriages (or non-marriages) that are rampant in today's society.
Here's my response:
My personal opinion is that many of us get much too caught up in the "lingo", the words. Courting, dating, casual dating, traditional dating, etc, etc, and many times each of those words means something different to different people. So, I don't think we should get caught up in what "word" a person is using in reference to their romantic life (or getting to know the opposite sex, whatever you want to refer to it as). It's going to have to be explained what you mean by that at some point anyway. It sounds to me like this article is a specific to response to some of the courting theories held by some home school communities. I personally went through a courtship and have been happily married for almost 10 years, and it seems that my interpretation of this word and the author's are not the same, so it's not the "word" that is bad or wrong. No matter the words you use, if a couple ends up getting married, every marriage is going to take hard work if it is going to last. There are things you can do prior to marriage that make working those issues out easier, but there's no method in the world that will give a person a "free ride" or the easy life once the marriage is official.
I do believe that any type of dating should be intentional in its efforts, and that intention at the beginning may just be to get to know the other person. I also believe that this is many times most effectively done with others at the beginning (i.e. double-dating), and that talking things through with wise council (whether it be parents or trusted leaders) helps a person to stay accountable and helps a person examine their own heart to see if they should pursue that relationship on a deeper level or not. And lastly, I do believe that when a person has decided to pursue a relationship (or goes on a date for that matter), it is helpful to set some guidelines for yourself (whether you and the person you're courting/dating set that or someone helps you). It's not about having someone else in charge of your life, it's about keeping ourselves accountable, because the Bible does say, "Our hearts are deceitfully wicked". Sometimes we don't want to look at our own hearts and evaluate our emotions, motives and actions and we need others to help us do that, especially when it involves something that could lead to marriage; one of the most precious gifts God has given us.
So, if you call that courting or dating or traditional dating, that's all up to you. This article mentioned that arranged marriages just won't work for Western culture, in the author's opinion, and that some of the examples in the Bible provide principles but the exact way it was played out doesn't translate exactly to our culture (is irrelevant). The answer of "traditional dating" presents the exact same problem. When the majority of Western Americans hear the term "dating", they don't think of it in the same terms as her grandmother's traditional dating experience (which I'm not saying was right or wrong). Throwing out the word "courting" isn't going to fix anything, or change American culture, or stop the high divorce rate, or stop pre-marital sex, but following God and living out a successful marriage as a good example to the community and those around you can help change some of those things one person at a time, no matter what label you put on it.
I also have to add a few quotes from the last comment I read on that article. I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with that person.
Tim says:
Here's my response:
My personal opinion is that many of us get much too caught up in the "lingo", the words. Courting, dating, casual dating, traditional dating, etc, etc, and many times each of those words means something different to different people. So, I don't think we should get caught up in what "word" a person is using in reference to their romantic life (or getting to know the opposite sex, whatever you want to refer to it as). It's going to have to be explained what you mean by that at some point anyway. It sounds to me like this article is a specific to response to some of the courting theories held by some home school communities. I personally went through a courtship and have been happily married for almost 10 years, and it seems that my interpretation of this word and the author's are not the same, so it's not the "word" that is bad or wrong. No matter the words you use, if a couple ends up getting married, every marriage is going to take hard work if it is going to last. There are things you can do prior to marriage that make working those issues out easier, but there's no method in the world that will give a person a "free ride" or the easy life once the marriage is official.
I do believe that any type of dating should be intentional in its efforts, and that intention at the beginning may just be to get to know the other person. I also believe that this is many times most effectively done with others at the beginning (i.e. double-dating), and that talking things through with wise council (whether it be parents or trusted leaders) helps a person to stay accountable and helps a person examine their own heart to see if they should pursue that relationship on a deeper level or not. And lastly, I do believe that when a person has decided to pursue a relationship (or goes on a date for that matter), it is helpful to set some guidelines for yourself (whether you and the person you're courting/dating set that or someone helps you). It's not about having someone else in charge of your life, it's about keeping ourselves accountable, because the Bible does say, "Our hearts are deceitfully wicked". Sometimes we don't want to look at our own hearts and evaluate our emotions, motives and actions and we need others to help us do that, especially when it involves something that could lead to marriage; one of the most precious gifts God has given us.
So, if you call that courting or dating or traditional dating, that's all up to you. This article mentioned that arranged marriages just won't work for Western culture, in the author's opinion, and that some of the examples in the Bible provide principles but the exact way it was played out doesn't translate exactly to our culture (is irrelevant). The answer of "traditional dating" presents the exact same problem. When the majority of Western Americans hear the term "dating", they don't think of it in the same terms as her grandmother's traditional dating experience (which I'm not saying was right or wrong). Throwing out the word "courting" isn't going to fix anything, or change American culture, or stop the high divorce rate, or stop pre-marital sex, but following God and living out a successful marriage as a good example to the community and those around you can help change some of those things one person at a time, no matter what label you put on it.
I also have to add a few quotes from the last comment I read on that article. I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with that person.
Tim says:
"First Part = LISTEN TO ME, I AM CREDIBLE. I WAS HOME SCHOOLED. I SPOKE AT CONFERENCES. ME ME ME ME ME. After I read Part 1, the framework was ‘me centered’ and how I feel. Also, how many people does she know? Over a million. Because she witnesses a handful of cases of divorce following this model means nothing to me. STATISTICALLY INSIGNIFICANT.
Second Part = Creating confusion on what courtship is. Fuzz up the situation. Create a cloud or a Pandora’s box to make it sound like ‘we don’t know what courtship is’. Offset it by spitting out ‘perceived wrongs’.
Third Part = GRANDMA = GOD? Framework should focus on *Marginally Christian community. Enough said. She is in the same boat, therefore her great grandparents and her grandma must set the standard for all peoples in the world (because this is what she said…) <- a="" at="" banner="" book="" bottom="" garbage.="" going="" i="" look="" m="" not="" of="" p="" read="" rest="" sarcasm.="" sell="" sheeple.="" the="" they="" this="" to="" want="" write="">
If she wanted credibility, she would cite scripture. Yes she talks about the old testament relationships, but we should understand that God used messed up people, murderers, prostitutes, polygamists, adulterers etc. God did not say that this was right. Just because it is a story in a bible, does not mean that God was approving of their relationships."
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